I grew up a planner. I planned everything. Always. I had back up plans. I had backup plans for my backup plans. I did this from the time I was a little kid until I was an adult…sitting amidst the ruins of years worth of failed plans. Then I realized, life simply can’t be planned…at least not in any long-term fashion. (SHOCKER – I know! – well at least now you can’t say I never taught you anything!) One more important matter – it never pays to get attached to our plans.
There is a wonderful Chinese proverb that states that “To enjoy the life we deserve, we must first let go of the one we planned.” I used to read that saying every week while sitting in the waiting room of my therapist’s office. I would recite it over and over until I felt like I could MAYBE start doing it rather than just reading it. That went a little something like this…
“Ok, so I’m not married to my college sweetheart. And we don’t have a cute house in a great neighborhood. Our home isn’t filled with two kids (Jacob and Kiley) and our two dogs – Nala (our German Shepherd) and Tucker (our Golden) – in addition to Piper and Chloe, of course. Instead, I’m 34, never married, not dating anyone, no kids and no dogs. And never owned a home. Drifting between the homes of friends and family while still waging a war against my own body and fighting desperately for social security disability.”
Eh – no problem – that other life, the one I had planned in absurd detail – it probably wouldn’t have been so great anyway. Ok – so it’s still hard sometimes not to at least wonder about that life. But here’s what’s more important, and more exciting. This life – the actual day-to-day real one that I never planned and often don’t know if I can handle – this one is full of undiscovered potential. Yes, that’s right I said POTENTIAL. And if you think it’s tough to imagine loads of potential while huddled in a painful ball in a dark, silent room…you’re sometimes right. But practice really does make perfect. And I’m getting there. I might not have all the things I imagined I would at this stage of my life. But I have a great deal more strength and resilience and faith than I ever would have if things had just gone according to plan. So I am hopeful and optimistic, and yes, even grateful. Not for losing the man I loved, but for the ways this life has tested me and fortified me. And for all the possibilities that remain.
Speaking of possibilities – this week has brought a firestorm of opportunity (and challenge). I learned that our request for an expedited Social Security Disability Hearing had been approved and that it will take place tomorrow at 2 pm. From the time I learned this until…well, earlier tonight, I have prepared and planned and stressed and planned some more. I have been frustrated with my attorney who, in my estimation has not done nearly enough of any of those things. But I sit here now and I realize – I can’t plan or stress tomorrow into being successful. Yes, preparation is needed. But I went far beyond preparation. I was looking for something that does not exist. I wanted a guarantee. And my hearing tomorrow, as with all things in life – comes with no guarantee. So I will go in as prepared as I can. I will let go of all the planning and the resentment toward my attorney. I must simply accept that he knows how to do his job better than I do.
I will either win the appeal or not. But it will all happen one step at a time. I’ll finish this post. I’ll relax and spend time with my mom and step-dad and cuddle with my cats. I’ll (hopefully) get a good night’s rest. I’ll get up and take tomorrow, similarly, one step at a time. Then, after putting one foot in front of the other through this incredibly important day, my hearing will be over. And both my lawyer and I will have done all we can do until the judge renders a decision. And I am (almost alarmingly so) at peace with that.
I spoke with a friend earlier tonight. He questioned me about what I will do if the judge rules against me. Fighting everything in me that yearns to plan for every contingency….I simply said, “I don’t know. I will cross that bridge when..IF…I come to it.” I smiled, pleased with myself. I must be doing something right. I’ve apparently learned a lesson somewhere along the way. And in this particular moment, it appears that my energy could be put to far better use than planning that which cannot be planned! If you don’t believe me…just as Chloe…