I miss you; I love you, I wish you were here, but am more grateful that you are free. I feel you beside me in each step I take; I know it is you who gives me strength. You’ve allowed me to leg go of the fears…that I will forget the sound of your voice, your laughter, your smile, your blue, blue eyes, your arms wrapped ’round me like a shield. As we promised each other long ago…together forever, never let go.
First in seconds. Later in minutes.
Then an hour goes by, and I am still here.
Slowly I begin to notice days.
I got stuck at days.
Eventually, I was living through weeks.
Then one day, a month had passed.
Today I look back on five years of living without you.
Past the time it took for the shock and denial to subside.
Past the time it took for the anger to fade into pure pure sadness.
Guilt still follows nearby, clawing at me, pulling me down.
When I need to fight it, I listen to your voice, the sweetest sound I know.
But the memories do not fade.
The pain I know will dull,
but even now it still stings in hot tears.
But I cannot help but compare everything about my life to
the one we had planned.
I miss you.
I miss those who were only real in our dreams.
Jacob, Kiley, Tucker, Nala…
so many dreams that died with you.
but your voice remains.
I recognize how lucky I am…
I can still hear you say I love you,
I can turn it up loud or listen to you in quiet whispers.
but the space you left in my world and in my heart remains.
I heal slowly, and move on.
But that space will always belong to you,
my prince in a fairytale romance.
My traveling fool, my partner in crime,
my sweet valentine, serenader, failure hater.
and I hope.
I hope you see now what I tried to show you.
That you were perfect with all of your flaws,
loved unconditionally and admired by all.
In all of us that grieve still, and always will,
you had bonds that neither time nor distance nor death can kill.
But love remains.
The grief they say will fade away,
but your place in my heart will always stay.
When I need you, your laughter lifts my soul,
your antics brighten my mood,
and I know that where ever I am,
I am there with you.